Quick fire jokes

Man walks into a bar
Man: Can I have a pint
Barman: Can you narrow it down
Man: But then it will be a glass

 

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Man walks into a bar

Barmaid: What are you having?
MK: Hey you and me babe, how about it?
Barmaid: keep that up and you will be in dire straits

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I saw four welsh people stood over a silver object, in wonder
they were saying it must have come from outer space, alien technology

I took one look and informed them that it was a weather balloon, I know astounding a day dry enough to fly one!

 

 

p.s. just started a new short story so I maybe a bit busy with it till Monday 😀

Dalek news (spoof)

Two representatives of the new high Dalek council of tolerance and diversity have produced a statement slamming the current promotion in the human press that all Daleks are evil and bent on complete domination.
 
It states that while it is true that the vast majority of Daleks continue to hold the poplar view of complete domination, a growing number of disenchanted Daleks have come to the logical and mathematical proof, that the current losses at the hands of the Time War criminal know simply as The Doctor are completely unacceptable and non sustainable. so it is statistically true that in order to survive the times to come, a more tolerant view must be nurtured.
 
As such business plans have been submitted to universal banks detailing plans to set up new dalek enterprises from exterminate records to computer games programers and cake shops. Also requests for political asylum are thought to have been filed with all nations on earth, no nation has confirmed this at the present time, though it is thought that the Netherlands has been particular popular with Daleks.
 
The Doctor has been unavailable for comment on the new softening approach of Council of Tolerance and Diversity , but the last remaining members of The cult of Skaro (who wish to remain hidden in time and be pixelated ) have gone on record to say that this new faction will not be tolerated and any contact with this group will result in their extermination, as they are vastly inferior to the true Dalek form.

 

I Will Breed Flies (survive parody)

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking, I could never get the bees on my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking, humming that bee song
And I grew strong, but all the buzzing’s gone

And so you’re back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with antenna holding pace
I should have talked to the wasps
I should changed to a minor key
If I’d known for just one second I’d have no honey for my tea

Go on now, go, fly out the hive, fay  your way now
‘Cause you’re not producing anymore
Weren’t you the one, who tried to hurt me with a sting?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d find another thing?

Oh, no, not I, I will breed flies
Oh, as long as I know how to hum, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my songs to give
And I’ll breed flies, I will breed flies , hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to get the queen to start
And I spent, oh, so many nights just dressing in nets
I used to cry but now I lost all those bets

And you see me, somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving for someone working for me

Go on now, go, fly out the hive, fay  your way now
‘Cause you’re not producing anymore
Weren’t you the one, who tried to hurt me with a sting?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d find another thing?

Oh, no, not I, I will breed flies
Oh, as long as I know how to hum, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my songs to give
And I’ll breed flies, I will breed flies , hey, hey

Go on now, go, fly out the hive, fay  your way now
‘Cause you’re not producing anymore
Weren’t you the one, who tried to hurt me with a sting?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d find another thing?

Oh, no, not I, I will breed flies
Oh, as long as I know how to hum, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my songs to give
And I’ll breed flies, I will breed flies , hey, hey

Veronica’s Child

 

 

Veronica’s child said
if there was
a Z day type dawn
then where she’s
from the only
way to tell
if there was
a problem
would be to check
the bar taking from
the night before

Polish’d

She said
“underneath this cool
veneer of wood that we strive to keep
polished, so that
others my see their
reflection in it, we have
this need to communicate”

I said
“You may be right
but could you repeat
the first part, as I had
my headphones in
and my music set to 11”

so a man walks in to…

so a man walks in to a nihilist bar…

…but the barman was so fueled by the futility of all endeavors

That no one got served

ever.

Ok yes I can’t draw and this is my first animation and I only had movie maker 6 to work with so be kind 😀

A hard days night

https://soundcloud.com/bruce-ruston/a-hard-days-night

Lyrics below. Copyright belongs to the Beetles.

The school holidays are about to start so I thought I would get this out of the way now, as the kids will be about the house. But I think I will do more when I can 😀

A Hard Days Night – Beetles

It’s been a hard day’s night
And I’ve been working like a dog
It’s been a hard day’s night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

You know I work all day
To get you money to buy you things
And it’s worth it just to hear you say
You’re going to give me ev’rything
So why on earth should I moan
‘Cause when I get you alone
You know I feel ok

When I’m home ev’rything seems to be right
When I’m home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeh

It’s been a hard day’s night
And I’ve been working like a dog
It’s been a hard day’s night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

Owww!

So why on earth should I moan
’cause when I get you alone
You know I feel ok

When I’m home ev’rything seems to be right
When I’m home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeh

It’s been a hard day’s night
And I’ve been working like a dog
It’s been a hard day’s night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

You know I feel alright
You know I feel alright

These tiny little ‘eezzes ( a Hobbits rendition)

These tiny little breezes
run through all the treezzes
when I’m sittin’ on the chair
just sitting restin’ there

oh my worn ole’ neezzes
and my thanks and pleazzes
but I’m glad it’s not a winterin’
and I have no tiny sneezzes

https://soundcloud.com/bruce-ruston/eezzes

A funny

In a return to the odd funny post and a bit of the past.

 

 

 

One is

One is bleak
and San grail
like the last golden cup
of youth
did you want to love, live
or even tell me more
holy blood, Grail
a lie a hoax
One is bleak dark
a lie, resting in a storm
did you prepare
my diminishing
entitlement

too that man in black
may he ever wear
a suit of rainbows
where I see a shade
of purple that I have
never seen
before